for deadlyshadow

[starkovs]

Her thoughts were racing.

From the moment Alina Starkov laid eyes on General Kirigan, there was a shift in her very soul. Half of her was drawn to him, and the other half recoiled. Up until that moment her thoughts had been consumed by Mal: they had been attacked by volcra, and she had saved him, and -- and...

And then the general's very presence seemed to demand every bit of her focus, and for just a little while her friend was forgotten.

Looking back, it all felt like a vivid dream: the burst of light in the Fold, meeting the general, her skin pierced and sunlight escaping...Alina went into a state of shock. Grisha soldiers all but dragged her away, shoved her into a carriage, and took off. Though she yelled and pounded on the carriage window, they would not let her go, not let her see Mal, not even to say goodbye.

The attack on the carriage by Fjerdans was another shock to her system. No one had ever really cared about her before, except for Mal. She could not remember her parents, and she had no other close friends. Yet in mere seconds she had made hundreds of thousands of enemies without even trying.

The blood of one splattered her face -- somehow she had ended up sprawled on the ground, beaten and heart pounding, while General Kirigan stood over her. That was an image she would never forget: the intensity in his eyes, focused on her and only her.

The rest of the journey to the Little Palace passed in a haze. It was only when confronted with the sight of the grand building that she snapped out of it. Once off the horse, Grisha tried to usher her inside, but she refused.

"No!" she shouted. Though Alina shook like a leaf, she stood her ground, hands fisted, bloodied and bruised and stubborn. "I won't take another step until I know where Mal is!"

Alina faced General Kirigan, chin lifted, clinging fast to her courage. "Malyen Oretsev is a tracker in the First Army! I need to know that he is alright! He was on the skiff as well."

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[starkovs]

Nothing ever good started out with those words, and yet Alina did not pick up on it. Her entire being was shaken, still in shock, adrenaline still racing through her veins.

"No. I can't sleep until I see him." Her voice somehow managed to remain steady. She had learned much from growing up in Keramzin, including self-control.

When the general spoke again, time seemed to slow to a stop. She stared at him, a confused look on her face, as if he had suddenly started speaking another language. "What?"

'I am sorry, Alina.'

"No." She shook her head, pulling away from his touch, even as she felt panic welling up inside her once again that day. "No, that can't be, that's not right -- that's not true."

Alina backed away from them all, feeling a strong urge to run. "He's fine. You must be mistaken. I just have to find him, he'll -- Mal will be looking for me." And yet already, she could feel her heart breaking. She suppressed it. "He'll be worried...I'm sorry, but I must go."

She turned and ran for the horse she had just dismounted with the general minutes ago, frantic, as if she could outrun the truth and turn back time.

I'll meet you in the meadow.

[deadlyshadow]

"Alina." Her name is said and it's softer than anyone has likely heard him speak in a long time. It's news that no one ever wants to give, that no one ever wants to hear. He doesn't catch her arm as she tries to reason away the news that he's just given her, missing it slightly as she backed away from them.

Yet he doesn't want to move too quickly either, because he doesn't want to startle or scare her to bolt. He remembers the pain he'd been through when he'd lost someone he loves, and he likely would have tried to argue it away if it hadn't been done in front of him. But eventually she'll have to find the words true, to settle the truth because there is no other way of it.

When she runs for the horse though, he'll move forward and catch her around the waist to pull her back against his chest. He'll also aim to catch her arms and gently fold them into her, cradling her gentle against him. "I know it is not what you wanted to hear, but I assure you, I do not take giving you this news lightly."

He'll try to turn her to him, so he can look down at her and she can actually see he takes no pleasure in this. "I'll have him brought here for you to confirm if you need that for your peace, Alina, but I can not let you go to him."

[starkovs]

Alina let out a shriek of protest when the general caught her around the waist, stopping her from taking another step or fighting back against him. She couldn't breathe -- it hurt too bad, her heart was being torn apart, and the world had turned blurry. This all had to be a mistake. She wasn't grisha, and Mal couldn't be gone. He was hurt and probably scared and --

General Kirigan turned her around. She looked up at him, hot tears streaming down her face, scarcely able to breathe. The truth of it all finally caught up to her, and a high, desperate wail of pain escaped her. Alina's legs gave out and she crumpled to the ground, arms cradling herself as if she could stop herself from falling apart.

In that moment, she didn't care what a spectacle she was making of herself, or that she looked weak. Alina never cried in front of others, and yet she couldn't bring herself to stop. Why stop, after all? If there was no Mal, she had no true north, no home, no reason for going on.

When she stopped long enough to draw breath, she made herself speak. "...I need to see him." Her voice sounded raspy and foreign to her own ears. "If it's not a mistake, I need to see Mal, and..."

Bury him. The thought of his body lying lifeless in the cold earth brought forth a fresh wave of tears. Alina squeezed her eyes shut, trying her best to save them for when she was finally left on her own.

[deadlyshadow]

He follows her to the ground easily, wrapping around her and keeping her close to ensure she knew that she wasn't alone in this. He knows the pain she's going through, to know someone you loved was dead, to wish it weren't true and you could go back and get more time with them before anything happens. And to his credit, he doesn't try to move her and force her anywhere else, he doesn't try to push her to get up and stop crying. He just holds her while she does.

Dipping his head there's the softest brush of his nose against her hair as he sighs softly. No words can express how sorry he is that she's lost Mal, so there aren't any offered. It's not like they would do much good in helping to ease any of her pain anyway. Though his one hand does start to stroke up and down her back to try and offer comfort. Something already tells him she'll need a long, hot bath, some food, and the rest of the night to process this at the very least. They were supposed to present her to the King today, to ensure her stay, but he knows she's in no condition to do much of anything, yet trying to hide this fact from her wouldn't have done any good either. He'd found out before he'd left camp because she'd called for the man and he'd wanted to see who it was she tried to reach. To at least give her an update on his wellbeing. Unfortunately it was the worst case.

"I promise you, I will have him brought here, Alina." His hand cupped her cheek gently, thumb brushing away some of the tears before she's crying again. This time, he shifts them and lifts her gently as he stands. Cradled in his arms, she won't have to do much but rest against him as the news settles in. "We will see every proper care is taken for him." Orphans, both of them. The fact that his body had made it whole out of the Fold had been a small miracle in and of itself, to give her someone to bury. But with no other kin, Mal wouldn't have anyone else to see to his burial either. And it was the least that could be done.

Now though, he'll carry her through the Little Palace and to the rooms that have been prepared for her. Setting her down on the bed lightly, his fingers brush through her hair and his eyes are concerned as he watches her. "I'll tell the King that you are ill from the journey and we will have to reschedule until tomorrow." It may make the King grumble a little but anyone would understand her need to take the night as well. "I'll have someone draw you a bath so you can change." Her current clothes did have blood all over them, so it wasn't like she likely wanted to stay in them.

[starkovs]

Alina was only distantly aware of General Kirigan following her to the ground and wrapping his arms around her. They remained like that for what felt like a long time -- how long it truly was, she did not know. All she could focus on was the grief and pain that was swallowing her whole.

As she quieted down, she sensed a hand gently rubbing her back. Why? He didn't know her -- in fact, he had only just met her. And yet the general was promising her that Mal would be brought here, so that she could see him herself, and say her goodbyes...

His hand cupped her cheek, and a thumb brushed away some of her tears. Unable to speak, she nodded shakily, letting the general know that she had heard him and understood. When he shifted her a bit so that he could lift her up into his arms, Alina found that she didn't have the strength or the will to protest. All of her energy was focused on holding herself together just a little while longer.

He carried her into the Little Palace. One hand clutched at his black kefta, knuckles white, until she was gently set onto the most extravagant bed she had ever seen. Alina let go of him, dark eyes dull from pain as she tried to focus on his words. The king...he wanted to see her? Why would --

Oh. She kept forgetting that she was now grisha. The Sun Summoner, they had called her. It felt like some strange fever dream. Without thinking, her right thumb ran over the old scar on her left hand, the one she had gotten from cheating on that day so long ago.

If she hadn't cheated, would the Fold still be standing? Would Mal still be alive? Didn't this mean she was partly responsible for his death, as well as so many others? Hysteria threatened to well up in her chest once more, so she pushed those thoughts away to examine some other time when she was alone.

Alina swallowed, lowering her head to stare at her hands. "I don't know why you're being so kind to me, but...thank you." It was the best she could do under the circumstances.

[deadlyshadow]

He already knows that the whispers of gossip will run rampant through both the Palace and the Little Palace. Enough people saw her break down, saw him break the stoic look he always has to offer comfort to her. Too many will think him coddling her, others will be overly jealous of the attention and care he's already seen to her this day. But others will understand too.

They need the Sun Summoner to take down the Fold. Not a woman broken by grief but a woman who has learned to harness her powers and has the will to bend them, to make Ravka safe again for all its people. But also, it's not like she had any family that she could lean on either. The only person she'd consider part of her family was now gone.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, he'll watch her as his hand reaches to rest over hers where her gaze is. "Because I know what it's like to lose someone I love. It is not an easy grief to settle, and it will take time." It's an honesty that few get from him and even fewer know about him. He doesn't share that information easily, but right now he feels like she needs to know it in order to understand why, to trust him in this that he wants to help her through this.

He also knows that there's a level of nothing he says will make it right and she has to work through it alone. Because it's emotions and feelings that she has to find a way to calm, and no two people are the same in that. His way of handling the grief hadn't exactly gone well. Not that he'd really handled it as a whole until years later.

A few servants slipped in to start prepping the bath for her in her bathroom, ignoring that he was here with her. And mostly leaving her to what she was going through since he was tending to her. Also, they know that some emotions aren't want people want to show the world or to have others remember, so they're good at downplaying what they see. But at the same time, this care he's giving her too will be gossiped about eventually. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask either, Alina. I want to make your transition here as easy on you as we can."

[starkovs]

Alina watched his hand reach for her own, gently sliding over the scar and the thumb that traced along the curved line. She glanced over at the general again, meeting his sympathetic gaze. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone." Her jaw clenched as she fought back a fresh wave of tears.

Servants entered the room without warning, startling her. Alina watched as they headed into an adjoining room, stacks of towels in hand, as well as clothes. It felt as if this was all happening to someone else, and she was watching it all unfold from outside her own body.

General Kirigan spoke again, and her attention returned to him. She managed to mod, although Alina could not imagine disturbing someone as important as him for any reason. "Thank you. Now, if you don't mind...I think I'd like to be alone now. At least until Mal...his --"

She couldn't get the words out without her throat closing up.

"...Please send for me when the time comes?"