for deadlyshadow

[starkovs]

Her thoughts were racing.

From the moment Alina Starkov laid eyes on General Kirigan, there was a shift in her very soul. Half of her was drawn to him, and the other half recoiled. Up until that moment her thoughts had been consumed by Mal: they had been attacked by volcra, and she had saved him, and -- and...

And then the general's very presence seemed to demand every bit of her focus, and for just a little while her friend was forgotten.

Looking back, it all felt like a vivid dream: the burst of light in the Fold, meeting the general, her skin pierced and sunlight escaping...Alina went into a state of shock. Grisha soldiers all but dragged her away, shoved her into a carriage, and took off. Though she yelled and pounded on the carriage window, they would not let her go, not let her see Mal, not even to say goodbye.

The attack on the carriage by Fjerdans was another shock to her system. No one had ever really cared about her before, except for Mal. She could not remember her parents, and she had no other close friends. Yet in mere seconds she had made hundreds of thousands of enemies without even trying.

The blood of one splattered her face -- somehow she had ended up sprawled on the ground, beaten and heart pounding, while General Kirigan stood over her. That was an image she would never forget: the intensity in his eyes, focused on her and only her.

The rest of the journey to the Little Palace passed in a haze. It was only when confronted with the sight of the grand building that she snapped out of it. Once off the horse, Grisha tried to usher her inside, but she refused.

"No!" she shouted. Though Alina shook like a leaf, she stood her ground, hands fisted, bloodied and bruised and stubborn. "I won't take another step until I know where Mal is!"

Alina faced General Kirigan, chin lifted, clinging fast to her courage. "Malyen Oretsev is a tracker in the First Army! I need to know that he is alright! He was on the skiff as well."

Comments

[starkovs]

Alina was only distantly aware of General Kirigan following her to the ground and wrapping his arms around her. They remained like that for what felt like a long time -- how long it truly was, she did not know. All she could focus on was the grief and pain that was swallowing her whole.

As she quieted down, she sensed a hand gently rubbing her back. Why? He didn't know her -- in fact, he had only just met her. And yet the general was promising her that Mal would be brought here, so that she could see him herself, and say her goodbyes...

His hand cupped her cheek, and a thumb brushed away some of her tears. Unable to speak, she nodded shakily, letting the general know that she had heard him and understood. When he shifted her a bit so that he could lift her up into his arms, Alina found that she didn't have the strength or the will to protest. All of her energy was focused on holding herself together just a little while longer.

He carried her into the Little Palace. One hand clutched at his black kefta, knuckles white, until she was gently set onto the most extravagant bed she had ever seen. Alina let go of him, dark eyes dull from pain as she tried to focus on his words. The king...he wanted to see her? Why would --

Oh. She kept forgetting that she was now grisha. The Sun Summoner, they had called her. It felt like some strange fever dream. Without thinking, her right thumb ran over the old scar on her left hand, the one she had gotten from cheating on that day so long ago.

If she hadn't cheated, would the Fold still be standing? Would Mal still be alive? Didn't this mean she was partly responsible for his death, as well as so many others? Hysteria threatened to well up in her chest once more, so she pushed those thoughts away to examine some other time when she was alone.

Alina swallowed, lowering her head to stare at her hands. "I don't know why you're being so kind to me, but...thank you." It was the best she could do under the circumstances.

[deadlyshadow]

He already knows that the whispers of gossip will run rampant through both the Palace and the Little Palace. Enough people saw her break down, saw him break the stoic look he always has to offer comfort to her. Too many will think him coddling her, others will be overly jealous of the attention and care he's already seen to her this day. But others will understand too.

They need the Sun Summoner to take down the Fold. Not a woman broken by grief but a woman who has learned to harness her powers and has the will to bend them, to make Ravka safe again for all its people. But also, it's not like she had any family that she could lean on either. The only person she'd consider part of her family was now gone.

Sitting on the edge of her bed, he'll watch her as his hand reaches to rest over hers where her gaze is. "Because I know what it's like to lose someone I love. It is not an easy grief to settle, and it will take time." It's an honesty that few get from him and even fewer know about him. He doesn't share that information easily, but right now he feels like she needs to know it in order to understand why, to trust him in this that he wants to help her through this.

He also knows that there's a level of nothing he says will make it right and she has to work through it alone. Because it's emotions and feelings that she has to find a way to calm, and no two people are the same in that. His way of handling the grief hadn't exactly gone well. Not that he'd really handled it as a whole until years later.

A few servants slipped in to start prepping the bath for her in her bathroom, ignoring that he was here with her. And mostly leaving her to what she was going through since he was tending to her. Also, they know that some emotions aren't want people want to show the world or to have others remember, so they're good at downplaying what they see. But at the same time, this care he's giving her too will be gossiped about eventually. "If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask either, Alina. I want to make your transition here as easy on you as we can."

[starkovs]

Alina watched his hand reach for her own, gently sliding over the scar and the thumb that traced along the curved line. She glanced over at the general again, meeting his sympathetic gaze. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone." Her jaw clenched as she fought back a fresh wave of tears.

Servants entered the room without warning, startling her. Alina watched as they headed into an adjoining room, stacks of towels in hand, as well as clothes. It felt as if this was all happening to someone else, and she was watching it all unfold from outside her own body.

General Kirigan spoke again, and her attention returned to him. She managed to mod, although Alina could not imagine disturbing someone as important as him for any reason. "Thank you. Now, if you don't mind...I think I'd like to be alone now. At least until Mal...his --"

She couldn't get the words out without her throat closing up.

"...Please send for me when the time comes?"